Addiction - Full Swing

This is a long post, so if you don't want to read the whole story, skip to the bottom (where the colored text is) because that is the real message here.
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After 7 or so weeks of no sugar/wheat, except for the special occasions that I planned for, all was going great! I am SOOOO in control of this addiction.

NOT! Oh man, this week has been AWFUL! I have not been able to get back to it after spending Christmas without a care! I'm eating too much and I'm eating sugar and floury stuff. The worst part is that I don't even want to do better right now! I keep thinking, what's the point? Two more days of eating this way or not isn't going to change the fact that I will have gained weight from last week. I'll just start over again on January 1st.

This box of See's chocolates that I am hiding from the rest of the people in the house keeps calling my name. Each time I walk by the hiding place, I take a piece! It's good. Sweet, decedent, but somehow unsatisfying. UG. Maybe the next chocolate will be better. I can't wait to find the raspberry filled truffle! Or the caramel one! Maybe this one is it! Nope. The next one.

Each new chocolate just makes me more sad because I feel like I am throwing away all of the hard work I've done for the past two months, but they are so yummy! Really two more days and then I'll do better again. I'll check my email and then continue reading this book. Login, answer a few emails.  

*Bing* It's my sister, Crystal, saying good morning and asking how I am. I tell her, embarrassed about it more and more each letter I type.

She types: " But you can fight that. Don't let those darn addictions come back. They made you angry before when you realized you had them, use that to fuel you today into eating better

You can do it"

We go back and forth for a while and I tell her all my feelings and that I am really discouraged. I tell her I just hope that when I take my measurements this Sunday that I hope they will show positive results since the scale won't. I have not measured in four weeks. Crystal is encouraging and says that I'll be surprised by the results. (I hope so, but am not too sure). We chat some more and she encourages me to get back on track today so the weight doesn't go even higher than it may already. But those chocolates are so good and they are all mine! We keep talking about how good it feels when people have complimented me because they are beginning to see the difference. We talk about how good I've felt for the past 8 weeks. We talk about how great it is going to feel to meet my goals.

"Alright, I just took my chocolate stash out and put it on the counter (up for grabs now). Maybe I'll cut each one in half and just have half of the ones I want....?", I type.   

Crystal: That's better than eating the whole thing.

Me: Still not great though, right?

Crystal: How many do you want? How many of those chocolates are your favorite?

Me: me:  I don't know. I haven't cut into them.

 Crystal:  lol

 me:  I really want a raspberry one and a caramel one if they are in there.

Crystal:  Well then cut some up and see if you can find those. Then (and this is what I would do, you don't have to) then keep those two for you, cut them in half and throughout the day when you want some have a half of one of those and just eat those two for the day. That will let you have the chocolate you want and still be pretty good.

Then I complain some more. Because how can I justify doing that when I already ate a bunch yesterday and two this morning. She politely tells me to forget about the past and move forward. I complain about how hard it is and why can't I be like those girls who eat anything and everything but still look great. Or my husband even? We sort of banter back and forth about this a little (and as I'm typing now, I think, yeah, but those girls wouldn't stand a chance against me in a strength or endurance challenge when I'm through)!

Me: I know. So, I just cut into all of them and there isn't even a raspberry or caramel one! I would have eaten the whole box and been completely unsatisfied!!!

There is a brown sugar one and a marshmallow one that look really good though.

I think I'll eat those right now and then get right back on track now.

Crystal: SEE!!! It's a good thing you cut into all of them!Sounds good.

me:  I should have done that from the start. Lame! Now they are open on the counter and I'll throw the box away at the end of the day no matter how many people didn't eat.

She says great, good idea. I thank her for her support and walking me through this. Then we chat about our to do lists. 

Me:  I'm blogging my thoughts from this week. Who knows maybe one day it will help somebody else. 

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Who knows, maybe one day it will help somebody else.....

To those of you who have been supportive and encouraging (friends and family), to those of you who have told me I've inspired you, to those who ask my mom how I'm doing, to those struggling at the gym but encouraged by my progress thus far....I'm sorry. 

I'm sorry I've faltered and let you down. I know that you know this is a war, not a battle. Time, patience, and consistency. Hard work and dedication. Stay with me! I'm getting to the finish line this time. I'll make you proud. I'd be so happy to have you there with me as well!

To those of you who opened my eyes to the reality of the problem (Sherry); I can't thank you enough. I didn't realize what was happening to me and your thoughts about an addiction made perfect sense and made me ANGRY! Crystal, keep reminding me of that so I can use it to fuel my progress. Thank you! Thank you mom for sharing my story with people at the gym! Thank you Cameron for supporting me and keeping bad food out of the house! Thank you for telling me you are proud of me. Thank you; all of you. I love you! 

As of 9:25 a.m. December 30, 2011 -- I'm back!  

If you think somebody you know could be encouraged by this, please send them the link and let me know. It helps me keep moving forward and wanting to share my journey.