My Very Clever and Funny Husband

My mom recently send out a mass email of questions that puzzle. Cameron is riding a train to Utah today and decided to answer all of these rhetorical questions. His humor is wonderful and some of the answers were so funny to me because they are from personal experience (i.e. the toaster). Here is the list of "Questions that haunt me." His answers are in red.

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

Can you cry under water?

Depends on whether it is salt water or fresh water, but I'm not telling which.

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

It isn't so much "important" as it is... well... there is a reason they call it ASSassinated. The good ones that are killed are called martyrs.

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only "a penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

This one should be obvious. Taxes, Pretty soon you will have to put your 3 cents in to help pay for universal health care.

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

You get three sets. They're all the same, but don't worry; they're wrinkle free, and very breathable.

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

Have you ever tried putting a SQUARE PIZZA in a ROUND BOX? Ask me again after you've tried this.

What disease did cured ham actually have?

This answer was unknown until recently. H1N1, more commonly known as Swine Flu.

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

It was mostly men working at that point. We can only concentrate on one thing at a time.

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

They didn't want to offend you for making them sleep on that hide a bed. It is really just a nice way of telling you that they woke up every two hours crying for their mommy.

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Movie screens are flat, TVs are a box. Ever tried to be ON a curtain?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

They are actually trying to see if anybody stepped on the gum that they spit out right before going up. I know, it's cruel, but you've done it. Don't lie.

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Doctors call what they do "practice." They leave to read the instruction book real quick so they don't look like a fool when they come back in.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

With practice, men can remove a bra with one hand. Panties will always require two.

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Eventually, your toaster will start to wear out. This setting will be the only one that will actually heat the bread. Except for the rare case when you are in a hurry and there is only one slice of bread left. At this point, your toaster will revert back to its original power and turn the bread completely black.

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about?

"Jimmy EATS corn and no one cares" just didn't make it big. Of course, I blame the chords, not the lyrics.

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

Yes, but if the corpse is not buckled in, the "Click it or Ticket" fine far outweighs the time saved.

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Do you go to radio shack and ask them to help you remodel your bathroom? No. That is the carpenter's job.

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

The name says it all. Goofy is... well... goofy! I heard that there was some animosity between Goofy and Mickey right after he adopted Pluto, but they worked it out.

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

Everybody knows that fresh is better. I still don't know why he wanted that roadrunner though; they're too gamey.

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

I'll just say this. Ever seen a baby so cute that you just wanted to squeeze them? Well, don't squeeze too hard.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Nobody is really sure. They just knew that they couldn't put the morons and the electricity together.

Do the Alphabet Song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Yes, but I hope that you realize that the lyrics are different.

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?!

I wanted to make sure that I had the Alphabet song lyrics in the right order.

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

This was simply to confuse those that either have their head up their butt or out in space.

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

You really may want to take a good look at your oral hygiene habits to find the answer to this question.

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

I actually gave you the wrong one hoping you wouldn't find out. It's not my fault that you don't write things down!